Behold the Kickmen

by Size Five Games

The Developer Says...

BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.

Players Like...

❤ Gameplay Mechanics

Arcade-style sports action that transforms football into a chaotic, skill-based challenge. Players control one footballer at a time, with the game automatically switching characters. A 'frenzy meter' rewards complex passing and tackling combinations. Shooting and tackling require precise 'wind-up' timing, creating tactical moments. Ball carriers move sluggishly, forcing players to pass frequently and strategically.

❤ Progression and Skill Development

Career mode launches players in the 20th league rank with a woefully inadequate team. Successful passes and tackles generate cash for upgrades. Players invest in specific team improvements like passing accuracy, ball skills, tackling, stamina, and sprinting. Each skill upgrade dramatically transforms team performance.

❤ Unique Design Elements

An oval pitch concentrates action around goal areas. Goal values fluctuate based on shooting distance. Deliberately absurd interpretations of football rules create hilarious gameplay moments. Players collect extra time by running over scattered field clocks. Offside penalties trigger seemingly at random.

❤ Player Experience

Matches last six intense minutes. Difficulty curve challenges players to adapt quickly. Witty dialogue and soap opera-style story segments between matches. Accessible to both sports enthusiasts and complete novices. Delivers pure arcade-style entertainment.

❤ Technical Observations

Exclusively single-player experience. Gamepad provides smoother control mechanics. Budget-friendly price point. Ideal for short, entertaining gaming sessions.

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